Hello, all.
I know it's been a while, but taking almost 18 hours each semester does a number on you. You'll find that once you're actually in your room after 12+ hours in the music building, all you want to do is watch Netflix.
Let me just start with saying thank you for all of your continued support. This has honestly been a very hard year for me, and everyone has been so kind and encouraging. I couldn't have done it without all of you.
Somewhere between the end of my junior year and the beginning of my senior year, I lost my desire to learn. Math and english became a chore and I absolutely loathed waking up in the morning. Not just the teenage angst of having to wake up early -- I literally did not want to move from my bed. It got to be point where I would make myself physically sick because I didn't want to go to school so much. I would pray for a fever or a stomach bug so I could go home.
Needless to say, I was burnt out.
(Confession bear time - I didn't even want to GO to college. Before I was accepted to the School of Music at Appalachian, I cried my eyes out when I had to put down my $200 nonrefundable deposit.)
But, the more I thought about it, I thought that going to college would be different. Since I got into the music school, I thought that I would start learning things that would get me closer to my major and that I would just love all the classes. I was taking 16-18 hour semesters, but I thought that would be okay because I would find my love for learning again.
However, by my second semester, I realized I was wrong. While I love, LOVE music therapy and I adore my professors for my class, 18 hours became too much. I was out of my room from literally dawn till dusk, my grades started dropping and I started not caring. I would cry everyday and felt trapped. I hated my awesome school because I felt like there was no other choice except for me to go to school and then straight from school get a job, because of all my debt I would be inheriting after the 4 years.
I started to hate music. I would walk into the music building and cringe. I would leave my iPod in my room and not use it, because I didn't want to listen to any more 'noise'. I stopped singing, something I love most in the world. Music became a chore, not a passion. It became stress and anxiousness, not calmness and good feelings. I no longer had an outlet, because my only outlet was ruined.
With all this being said, I'm sure most of you guys can see where I'm going with this post. I've sat on this for a while, but after talking about it with my parents and with many of my professors it's official.
I have decided not to go back to Appalachian this coming fall.
Now whether it is only a semester or a whole year, I don't know yet. I love my school, I love my friends, and I love my professors. The Music Therapy department at ASU is amazing, and I will definitely go back someday to get my degree.
But now is not the time.
I'll be moving up to Asheville this fall to finish up my general education classes at AB Tech. It's a lot cheaper and I'm going to start singing around Asheville to *hopefully* get my name out there. I want to try to make it as a performer before I get a specific degree and have to have a career. While it is a long shot, if I don't do this now, I'll never get the opportunity too. I'm going on 20 years old, and instead of creating a huge debt to pay and being miserable, I'm finally deciding to be happy.
My whole life, I've tried to make other people happy. I've done things that I didn't want to do to make other people satisfied. While I realize a lot of people will disagree with decision, I hope that most of you can see that this is something that will make me the happiest. Again, I do plan on going back to school to be a music therapist, just not now.
Again, thank you all for your continued support. <3
