Side note - If my thoughts seem to be scattered and all over the place, I apologize. I'm drinking a quad mocha and those normally get me a little scatter brained.
I've always had a thing for proving people wrong. It's something that pushes me to do more the things that scare me, cause then I can laugh in the faces of people who doubted me. I don't live my life to prove other people wrong - but damn does it feel good to accomplish something and just shove it in people's faces.
Recently though, I've overcome a new challenge - I proved my SELF wrong. Had you asked me a year ago if I would be where I am now...I would have laughed at you. And probably sobbed, but mostly laughed. I would have never believe that I would be single, living by myself in Black Mountain, waitressing, and (honestly) kicking ass.
Being single is something I never expected I would be again. Your first love is always something special and I - being an 17/18/19 year old in love- thought that was it. I never thought I would have to leave him, I thought he was my world. And of course, like most young love, that was just not the case. You grow, you learn, and your passions become different. You become different people than you were in high school - which is expected and totally okay. It's heartbreaking and mind numbing and when you first loose your first everything you think you're going to die. You WANT to cease to exist, because what is life without that person? Nothing and no one can prepare you for that type of heartache.
But, as I have learned, life moves on.
It came to a point when I was TIRED of feeling sad. Don't get me wrong - I still get sad. It's hard loosing your best friend and your boyfriend all at once. But dear god, there are only so many "woe is me" you can do. The earth still rotates, the sun still shines, you still have to go to get dressed and go to work. So while one part of me was telling myself "you'll never move on, this is it for you", the other part of me was saying "Holly, put on your big girl pants and grow the fuck up".
And it honestly just hit me recently that I had, in fact, proved myself wrong. Seven months I thought I had my life figured out. Seven months ago I thought I knew who I was getting married too. Seven months ago I lived in a different city. Seven months ago my life turned upside down and I never thought that I would get through it. I never thought I would get over it and be as happy as I am now. While living by myself gets kinda lonely at times, I love it. I have an adorable cat, whom I adore and cuddles with me and is honestly the best cat ever. If I was still with my previous boyfriend, I wouldn't have stayed at the job which I adore. Never have I worked somewhere that the employees have felt so much like a family. I have a lot of old and new friends who support and love me - I have sisters who send me random cards, make me dinner and parents who always love me and support me whenever they can.
Through this experience my art has bloomed. I write my own music and sing songs with more feeling than I have before. I write so much more poetry and draw more. I learned how to drive a stick shift and how to cook for myself. I am a 20 year old woman, I make my own damn money and pay for my own apartment and electricity.
And when you actually stop and see how many people in your life love you and support you and realize that you CAN live on your own and be by yourself....it seems pretty ridiculous to focus on ONE negative thing. Yes, I lost a very important person in my life. It sucks, but through this I've gained so many more friendships and THAT is what you have to focus on.
POINT BEING - I think a lot of people need to be reminded that this can happen. People need to be reminded that even though you may be going through something super hard and it may seem like the end of the world, it's not. You need to grieve - you need to watch way too much Buffy the Vampire Slayer and bawl your eyes out over fictional characters that you can relate to your life. BUT after you're done doing that for a while, you need to go out and prove and show yourself that you ARE somebody. That you are your own person and you are a kick ass person at that.
