Prove Yourself Wrong

It's been a while since I've written anything. I go through phases when I feel like I should just keep my mouth shut and keep my opinion to myself...then I'm like muff that, that's no fun! So I'm not promising posts all the time, but I feel like this needs to be shared and some people need to be reminded of what I'm about to share with you all.

Side note - If my thoughts seem to be scattered and all over the place, I apologize. I'm drinking a quad mocha and those normally get me a little scatter brained.

I've always had a thing for proving people wrong. It's something that pushes me to do more the things that scare me, cause then I can laugh in the faces of people who doubted me. I don't live my life to prove other people wrong - but damn does it feel good to accomplish something and just shove it in people's faces. 

Recently though, I've overcome a new challenge - I proved my SELF wrong. Had you asked me a year ago if I would be where I am now...I would have laughed at you. And probably sobbed, but mostly laughed. I would have never believe that I would be single, living by myself in Black Mountain, waitressing, and (honestly) kicking ass. 

Being single is something I never expected I would be again. Your first love is always something special and I - being an 17/18/19 year old in love- thought that was it. I never thought I would have to leave him, I thought he was my world. And of course, like most young love, that was just not the case. You grow, you learn, and your passions become different. You become different people than you were in high school - which is expected and totally okay. It's heartbreaking and mind numbing and when you first loose your first everything you think you're going to die. You WANT to cease to exist, because what is life without that person? Nothing and no one can prepare you for that type of heartache.

But, as I have learned, life moves on. 

It came to a point when I was TIRED of feeling sad. Don't get me wrong - I still get sad. It's hard loosing your best friend and your boyfriend all at once. But dear god, there are only so many "woe is me" you can do. The earth still rotates, the sun still shines, you still have to go to get dressed and go to work. So while one part of me was telling myself "you'll never move on, this is it for you", the other part of me was saying "Holly, put on your big girl pants and grow the fuck up". 

And it honestly just hit me recently that I had, in fact, proved myself wrong. Seven months I thought I had my life figured out. Seven months ago I thought I knew who I was getting married too. Seven months ago I lived in a different city. Seven months ago my life turned upside down and I never thought that I would get through it. I never thought I would get over it and be as happy as I am now. While living by myself gets kinda lonely at times, I love it. I have an adorable cat, whom I adore and cuddles with me and is honestly the best cat ever. If I was still with my previous boyfriend, I wouldn't have stayed at the job which I adore. Never have I worked somewhere that the employees have felt so much like a family. I have a lot of old and new friends who support and love me - I have sisters who send me random cards, make me dinner and parents who always love me and support me whenever they can. 

Through this experience my art has bloomed. I write my own music and sing songs with more feeling than I have before. I write so much more poetry and draw more. I learned how to drive a stick shift and how to cook for myself. I am a 20 year old woman, I make my own damn money and pay for my own apartment and electricity. 

And when you actually stop and see how many people in your life love you and support you and realize that you CAN live on your own and be by yourself....it seems pretty ridiculous to focus on ONE negative thing. Yes, I lost a very important person in my life. It sucks, but through this I've gained so many more friendships and THAT is what you have to focus on. 

POINT BEING - I think a lot of people need to be reminded that this can happen. People need to be reminded that even though you may be going through something super hard and it may seem like the end of the world, it's not. You need to grieve -  you need to watch way too much Buffy the Vampire Slayer and bawl your eyes out over fictional characters that you can relate to your life. BUT after you're done doing that for a while, you need to go out and prove and show yourself that you ARE somebody. That you are your own person and you are a kick ass person at that. 

A New Leaf

Hello, all.

I know it's been a while, but taking almost 18 hours each semester does a number on you. You'll find that once you're actually in your room after 12+ hours in the music building, all you want to do is watch Netflix.

Let me just start with saying thank you for all of your continued support. This has honestly been a very hard year for me, and everyone has been so kind and encouraging. I couldn't have done it without all of you. 

Somewhere between the end of my junior year and the beginning of my senior year, I lost my desire to learn. Math and english became a chore and I absolutely loathed waking up in the morning. Not just the teenage angst of having to wake up early -- I literally did not want to move from my bed. It got to be point where I would make myself physically sick because I didn't want to go to school so much. I would pray for a fever or a stomach bug so I could go home.

Needless to say, I was burnt out.

(Confession bear time - I didn't even want to GO to college. Before I was accepted to the School of Music at Appalachian, I cried my eyes out when I had to put down my $200 nonrefundable deposit.)

But, the more I thought about it, I thought that going to college would be different. Since I got into the music school, I thought that I would start learning things that would get me closer to my major and that I would just love all the classes. I was taking 16-18 hour semesters, but I thought that would be okay because I would find my love for learning again.

However, by my second semester, I realized I was wrong. While I love, LOVE music therapy and I adore my professors for my class, 18 hours became too much. I was out of my room from literally dawn till dusk, my grades started dropping and I started not caring. I would cry everyday and felt trapped. I hated my awesome school because I felt like there was no other choice except for me to go to school and then straight from school get a job, because of all my debt I would be inheriting after the 4 years.

I started to hate music. I would walk into the music building and cringe. I would leave my iPod in my room and not use it, because I didn't want to listen to any more 'noise'. I stopped singing, something I love most in the world. Music became a chore, not a passion. It became stress and anxiousness, not calmness and good feelings. I no longer had an outlet, because my only outlet was ruined.

With all this being said, I'm sure most of you guys can see where I'm going with this post. I've sat on this for a while, but after talking about it with my parents and with many of my professors it's official.

I have decided not to go back to Appalachian this coming fall.

Now whether it is only a semester or a whole year, I don't know yet. I love my school, I love my friends, and I love my professors. The Music Therapy department at ASU is amazing, and I will definitely go back someday to get my degree.

But now is not the time.

I'll be moving up to Asheville this fall to finish up my general education classes at AB Tech. It's a lot cheaper and I'm going to start singing around Asheville to *hopefully* get my name out there. I want to try to make it as a performer before I get a specific degree and have to have a career. While it is a long shot, if I don't do this now, I'll never get the opportunity too. I'm going on 20 years old, and instead of creating a huge debt to pay and being miserable, I'm finally deciding to be happy.

My whole life, I've tried to make other people happy. I've done things that I didn't want to do to make other people satisfied. While I realize a lot of people will disagree with decision, I hope that most of you can see that this is something that will make me the happiest. Again, I do plan on going back to school to be a music therapist, just not now.

Again, thank you all for your continued support. <3

Skinny vs. Curvy

From a very young age, girls are taught to hate their bodies. We see models in the magazines on the shelfs at Walmart, tabloids that read "How to Loose Weight in 10 Days!" and because our mothers were taught to hate THEIR bodies and their mothers were taught to hate THEIR bodies, it's like this never ending chain of women teaching women that they should be ashamed of the home they are going to live in for the rest of their lives.

I've never been skinny. Okay, maybe when I was like five I was skinny and had that notorious 'thigh gap', but as soon as I hit puberty, due to steroid use as a small child because of breathing difficulties and an unhealthy diet, I ballooned. I was huge.

SO, no, I've never been through "skinny shaming". However, I have gone through the countless days in elementary and middle school being bullying and teasing due to my over-weightness by skinnier girls, so I reckon it's the same thing, just with the roles reversed.

At first, when I heard the term "skinny shaming", I saw red. I was LIVID that these girls were complaining about how everyone thought they were 'too skinny', when their bodies were the ONLY thing I ever wanted as kid. I would have done ANYTHING to have a thigh gap and to fit in with the "cool" kids, who were all skinny. I would have gladly traded my "plus size" body for any of those smaller ones.

Honestly I still kind of get irked when people complain about "no one likes skinny girls either". Being a bitter, bigger young woman, that's going to be my first reaction. In my world, EVERYONE love skinny girls. Quite frankly, I thought I'd never have a boyfriend, because I wasn't skinny enough and I felt like all guys LOVED smaller girls.

However, the more I thought about it...the more ridiculous me getting angry seemed to me. These girls who are of small stature have felt / still feel the same way I did / do. I don't know how many times I have heard "Man, I wish I had your butt" or "Can you share some of your boobs with me?" and each time I'm like...."Wahhhhh?! Only if you give me your small thighs and stomach!".

And then I realized that it doesn't matter what size you are, we all feel the same. NO ONE looks like the women in the magazines. Not even the models look like how they do on the magazine in real life. We're all either too short, too tall, too big, too skinny, don't have the right color eyes, don't have the right cheek structure, don't have the right skin tone, ect. And even though their reality looks so much different than mine, it's really not. After having many 'skinner' friends, I have come to realize that many of them are still just as self conscious as many 'curvier' women.

Then I start getting mad that women are attacking each other.

When I was little, I was on an all boys basketball team. I quickly learned to be aggressive. One time I wrestled this boy to the ground, trying to get the ball away from him...just to realize that he was in fact on my team.You can only imagine how embarrassed I got. Honestly it kinda makes me giggle writing about it, because it was SO embarrassing.

When women shame other women on their bodies, it is exactly like that one time I wrestled my teammate to the ground and tried to get the ball away from him. Why on earth would you beat down someone who is going through the same game that you're going through? Teammates are supposed to HELP each other.

Your body is your body. It's what you were given and it's the only body you're ever going to have. The world we live in will try to tell you that your body is not good enough and that you need to change it through plastic surgery, dieting, not eating, or even eating MORE so maybe you could gain weight and someone will like you cause you're curvy.

That's why there should be no "Skinny vs. Curvy". If anything it should be "Skinny AND Curvy; Women United" (corny, yes, but you get my point). When women stop hating other women on their bodies because we get enough of that from social media. Once everyone loves themselves for who they are, love handles, flat chest and all, the media will not know what to do and we might FINALLY get models who look like everyday women.

Love your body, Love yourself. <3 

Let's Get (homo)Sexual

Sorry for the bad pun, but that's the first thing I thought of when I was posting this and I just couldn't get it out of my head.

I'm kinda a dork for puns and I love Oliva Newton John. Sue me.

As I'm sure you all have seen (and if you haven't...where the hell have you been?), the Marriage Equality Act * has taken the nation by storm. Now that it is not legal for states to discriminate on same - sex marriage, couples who have same - sex partners are now able to be wed in their home state.

Which. Is. AWESOME.

Personally, I think it's great. awesome. amazing. wonderful. I'm ecstatic about it. Not only am I a huge supporter of Gay Rights, I'm a huge supporter of HUMAN Rights. Whether you have different believes on whether or not being homosexual is 'okay', I feel like you should at least see that these people are human and deserve the same rights as everyone else. If someone being homosexual causes you THAT much grieve that you don't want them to get married (even though I promise you, it does not concern you), you obviously need to do some self reflection. Cause there is obviously something going on that is making you a little bitter/upset that you need to talk out.

The reason I'm posting this is because recently, I've seen some VERY disheartening/ irritating/ annoying things on Facebook. Things along the lines of "I'm so disappointed in you, North Carolina" or "The world is going down hill" (personally thought that one was little over the top).

I know everyone is entitled to their own opinions. I know that. But when I see people being so ignorant and just flat out disrespectful...I have to say something.

I'm going to say it again,
Chances are, you are not the homosexual in this situation. Their marriage is not effecting you in the slightest. If their marriage effects you THAT MUCH, then you need to seek help right away. Because your relationship with your significant other should NOT be that fragile. 

Another problem I have is that the majority of the people who are posting this are Christian.

I realize that a lot of Christians do not believe in homosexuality. However, you'd think that since God is supposed to be all loving, understanding and caring...then his followers would do that same. Also, you have to realize that some people don't even follow Christianity. So the 'rules' that you follow are not the same as others.

I think too many Christians are too focused on being God's 'Army'. They're too focused on judging and condemning other people, because they 'know' that's what God would do. They 'don't hate the sinner, but they hate the sin'.

Let me remind you all that none of you are sitting on a throne made of gold right now and you don't have the power of healing or any of that shit. So first of all, I don't know why you think you have the right to judge ANYone for their sin. And I know you're all thinking 'Holly, we're not hating the sinner!"...you shouldn't even hate the SIN. You don't have the RIGHT to judge people for their 'wrong doings'. Let God do all that.

Also, I'm pretty sure you've never gotten inside God's brain and known exactly what he's thinking. So you don't know anything. You seem to assume a lot though.

I hope you all also remember this thing called 'Separation of Church and State' . I'm sorry that your religion doesn't 'believe' in same-sex marriage. I really am. However, that (again) doesn't really concern you, and it also has nothing to do with your religion if it's a law. Just because your preacher gets all red faced and starts spiting about the 'blasphemy of Gay Marriage'....that doesn't really hold anything up in court when you're trying to nullify this amendment, nor should it. I would say 'sorry for ya' but I'm not.
Not to burst your bubble, but not everyone follows under the same believe system. Some people are Christians, Atheists, Agnostics, Hindu, Buddhist, Muslim, Wiccan....the list goes on. Some are Heterosexual, Homosexual, Bisexual, Pansexual, ect. So the government cannot only look at ONE religion/one way of life and make it a law for everyone.

I heard some countries have tried that before...and it hasn't worked out for them.

Another thing that kinda irks me is that people say "well it's in the bible!"
....please, PLEASE show me the verse that it says 'Thou shall only be heterosexual. Anything thing else is blasphemes and sinful'. You show me that verse, and I'll be willing to say I'm wrong. Scouts Honor. I still won't agree with you, but I will concede to the fact that I am wrong.
Now, if you are going to spout off bible verses at me, make sure it's specific. Because telling me to read Leviticus 20:13 is just going to make me roll my eyes. Leviticus is full of fun little rules, such as you're not allowed to trim your beards, you're not allowed to lie, steal or mixing fabrics in clothing. If you're going to tell me you don't do any of those things NOR do you them purposefully**, I know you'd be breaking one of those rules.

You can't pick and choose the rules you follow. That's called being a hypocrite. 

I realize this might be the most controversial thing I ever post. I realize that some might not agree with me...but if you can post your opinion, so can I.

I'm not allowing comments on this one because I don't really want my blog to blow up. However, feel free to email me (millerhs@email.appstate.edu) or Facebook message me if we're friends.

* That's just what I'm choosing to call it. I tried to look up what it was actually called on Google, but I didn't feel like searching through all the stuff to find the actual name...so I feel like that one will suffice. 
** A lot of people argue that 'choosing' (lol) to be homosexual and marrying/having sexual relations with the same sex is purposefully committing a sin. They're 'choosing' to be that way, there for God judges it more? Let's just say that being homosexual is a choice. A lot of people CHOOSE to lie. CHOOSE to steal. And they are Christians.... but they're sticking up their noses at homosexual people that "CHOOSE" to be homosexual.  Technically you are still committing the same sin in the eyes of God. ARGUMENT INVALID

#WeLoveYouEleck

This past Saturday, McDowell County lost one of the best young men this county has ever seen. 

I personally wasn't best friends with Eleck. His sister and I used to work together and I also hung around him a lot my Junior year in the parking lot of McDowell High School. We'd say hey to each other in the hallway and sometimes talk about random things in passing. Though we never had a one-on-one, deep conversation, the news of his passing on Saturday devastated me along with the rest of the county. 

You see, Eleck did not spend his 17 years of life in vain. He spent it trying to make people happy, loving and caring about others and trying to life like Christ would have. 

If you know me well, you would know I'm very cynical when it comes to Christianity. I tend to be very skeptical and wary of everyone who tries to talk to me about God and honestly just assume that they are trying to 'save' me or make me feel bad about myself. 

However, to say the Eleck Hensley was one of those people would be incredibly false and disrespectful. Eleck was the type of christian that every christian should strive to be. He tried (and succeeded) to live his life like Jesus did -- accepting everyone and loving everyone. Not judging and wanting to make everyone happy. He gave me the hope that there are more people in this world that actually cares about what following Jesus' example actually means. 

By the posts on twitter and on Facebook, you can just tell at how many lives he touched. The hash tag "elecktaughtme" last night was a constant stream on Twitter, everyone pouring out the life lessons this young man shared with everyone. 

My heart, positive thoughts, condolences go out to his family and his loved ones. His legacy will never be forgotten. 

ABC News 13 Report  // Obituary 

3 Thing Guys Shouldn't Say or Do

* This might be considered by some to be PG-13. * 

I don't know about you, but for some reason lately I've encountered a lot of...well...boorish male behavior.

Why? I don't know...maybe it's the moon? Maybe it's cause they're in college and they feel like they can do whatever they want? Or maybe they still feel superior and entitled to any woman who tickles their fancy (haha).

Either way, for some reason recently it's been just shoved in my face. Whether it's some comments on Yik Yak* saying "I need a hot girl to hook up with tonight and be gone by morning", a guy I pass in my dorm who looks me up in down and says "How you doing, baby?", a guy telling me that he LITERALLY thought that men were superior to women because men were stronger (hahahaha), or being cat called to just walking down the street (<- that one insures you the finger).

Some day I will post my theories on why BOYS** do these things, but today I'm just going to stick to the basics.

Boys, here are 3 things NOT to do when you see a girl you think is hot or 'bang-a-licious' (yes, that word is a thing).
~~
1. Cat Calling
I know this might be hard for some boys to understand, so let me make it simple for you.

Girls are not animals. That means we are not cats. Because we are not cats, we do not like to be referred to as such. 

Whistling to a woman does not make us feel empowered***. It personally makes me feel cheap and looked at as a piece of meat. When a guy cat calls to me, it automatically gives me 'rape-vibes' and in general just makes me extremely uncomfortable AND annoyed.  

I'm annoyed because when a guy does that to me, I know he doesn't respect me as a person. All he sees is a pair of breast, an ass, and something that is going to give him 'pleasure'. He doesn't care that I have dreams and aspirations, he just cares about who he is going home with that night. 

So all in all, cat calling...don't do it. It's not cute. We're not flattered. 

And if you do it to the wrong person and they are close enough, they might slap you. 

2. Calling Her 'Baby' When She is in Fact Not Your 'Baby'
One of my BIGGEST PET PEEVES.
Guys, if a girl is not your girlfriend, a good general rule is to not call us your 'baby'.
Cause we are in fact...not.

Personally, when you call me baby and you are not my boyfriend, it makes me what to punch you in the face.
I'm a strong, independent, young woman. I'm 18 years old, about to turn 19. What I am not is a new born child that has just come out of my mother's birth canal that needs protecting because I LITERALLY cannot defend myself.

Now, yes, my boyfriend (*waves* Hello, darling) can call me baby if he wants to. For many couples it is a term of endearment. However, when someone calls me 'baby' that is NOT my boyfriend, my alert automatically goes up. It sets off my 'creeper radar'.

Because if you can't recognize that I am in fact a woman and not a small child, why would I want anything to do with you?

3. Pressuring
Why this even has to be talk about is beyond me. Shouldn't boys know by now that it's not cool? When a girl is pressured to do ANYTHING sexual, they feel used. Unwanted. Unappreciated.

And don't you DARE tell me that you 'really need it' and you can't keep it in your damn pants because you're 'so horny'. If that is the case, you need to be locked away because you're a danger to yourself and all of society.

Don't you DARE tell me that it was just because you were drunk and didn't know any better. If you do that when you're drunk and 'can't control yourself', I'll say it again --

you obviously need to be locked up because you are a harm to yourself and all of society. 

You also apparently don't give a rats ass about the girls feelings either, because like I said before it makes us feel worthless. You are telling us through your actions that you do not care that we are a human being that has emotions and dreams...all you see is the body.

And that can really, really mess a girl up.
~~

While there are many more things that you just shouldn't do, these are the ones that really needed to be addressed.

If you are one of those people who think that 'women's rights' are all solved and a thing of the past...you really need to look at the world around you. While the US has made gigantic head way, boys are obviously being taught that it is okay to do these things.

And in different parts of the world, women have no rights at all.

So while you're probably sitting there and thinking how annoying feminists are or  that is just another "feminist post"...think of WHY we still need posts like this.
Think of the reason WHY I felt the need to voice my opinion on the matter.

As long as I have to keep fighting to be looked at as an individual that has to fight for her rights because a LONG ASS TIME AGO a white man decided that a woman's place was in the kitchen, you better believe I will be a feminist and I will make post like this one.

* for those of you who don't know, Yik Yak is an app for college students. It's totally anonymous and people pretty much post whatever they want....
which of course is 9 times out of 10 sexual. 
** I'm calling them BOYS because if you do any of these things you obviously have not reached the title of 'man'. You may be 40 years old...but if you still do these things then you are still considered a boy to me (and gross) 
*** Some women might feel empowered by this. But the women who are flattered by this are not the women you want to marry. 

The Expiration Date

Since moving in two weeks ago, I've tried countless times to write about my experiences in college. I literally have 3 different drafts in the vault...but I always got stuck. I don't really want to talk about it yet (though yes, one of the typical "The College Skinny" post are going to come).

Well, after bawling my eyes out for the last hour, I finally decided what I really wanted to talk about.

Long Distance.

It sucks.

And everyone seems to think there is going to be an expiration date.

One thing I've encountered quite a bit while being up here is seeing people either roll their eyes when you say you have a boyfriend, or they get this look on their face that's sympathetic and kinda says "oh honey..we'll see how long that lasts".
And while no one has directly said this to my face (thank god, cause I would have punched them), Ive also heard of the comment "she's going to find someone so much better in college".

Okay, first of all rude .
Who are you to say that the person she is dating is not right for her? Are you her? are you in her relationship? I think not. (BTW, the people in this scenario are now happily married now. So suck on that, nay sayers)

As you're reading this, if you're 21 or older, single or have had a bitter break up, or if you're a teeny bopper that thinks you know everything, you're probably sitting there reading with a smug smile, giving me a pity laugh and thinking "You poor girl, you'll be eating your words soon".

And then people automatically start putting bets on the expiration date.

Here's a few reasons why that's messed up.

Firstly, you don't know the person's relationship with their significant other. For example, everyone fights. If you spend everyday with a person they're going to sooner or later get on your nerves or you're going to have a disagreement with them. So just because you heard of a fight this couple just had, does not by any means mean they're going to break up. Sure, it happens. But not all the time.

Secondly, you're betting on a persons happiness. (Now if the said person only dates for sport and they don't really care if they break up with their boyfriend/girlfriend or not...they just shouldn't be in a relationship anyway. That's stupid.)I know many couples who would be devastated if they split (myself included). And that's just incredibly harsh to hope that kind of pain on them.

Thirdly, you're probably doing it out of your own bitterness. I know, because I used to do it. If you're single or just gotten broken up with, you're going to be understandably upset and that's okay. But don't take other people down with you. Someday you're going to find that person, man or woman, that means the world to you. It sucks that you have to wait sometimes, but it's worth it.

Another thing that is incredibly sad is people also automatically assume (now let us all remember what 'assuming' means) that one person is going to cheat on the other person. Why have so many people given up on pure love? Lust is just that -- lust. It's nothing but the carnal need to have sex with someone. If you're too weak to substance from that when you're not with you're significant other, you obviously don't need to be in a relationship. If you start having feelings for someone else...tell you're boyfriend/girlfriend. It sucks, but it happens.
But just because some do it, doesn't mean that all of us do.

With all that negativity -- there is hope.

I've known many couples who have had to be long distance (one of them being a VERY long distance) and they're now either happily married / with each other and incredibly happy. A lot of military spouses / significant others have to go months without seeing their loved ones...but they still hold true.

When you find a person that loves you for you and doesn't care about all your little quarks and doesn't mind that you literally squeal and repeat "puppy, puppy! I want a freaking puppy" every time you see a dog (...sorry, babe), why would you give them up?

This coming week will be the longest time I've gone without seeing Jeremiah. It's going to SUCK. However, when I see him in two weeks it's going to make it so much sweeter. We're going to have an amazing weekend because we now hold every moment that we get to spend with each other very dear.

So here's to long distance. While I know that this post is a little rant-ish, pretty sappy and kinda sporadic here and there, but I couldn't help but write this. Nay sayers are going to nay say, but that's okay.
If you're like me, you're always looking for an opportunity to prove someone that doesn't believe you can do it wrong.

So let's prove them wrong.